“Stay”

Wycliffe College - Oxford, England 11/2023

“If the only person’s opinion who mattered was mine what would you do, how would you live?

This brings me to the last “prefrace” of entering into this new season.

As I mentioned in my previous post, God had really convicted me to grow up, be faithful in the little things, serve and love my wife as unto the Lord, “CLEAN THE HOUSE!”

As many of you might know, I’m currently the Junior Varsity head coach of the Lakeridge High School baseball team. A year ago, when I was first offered the job as the Freshman coach, I never expected that coaching young men would become such a huge passion in a short period of time. I love it. I have incredible players, incredible coaches around me, a beautiful environment and culture to work in. But I’ve also noticed this draw to the Lake Oswego community from the God. By September, not only was I promoted to be the JV head coach, I had threw job offers all working within Lake Oswego that, for the most part, came out of nowhere.

Between an amazing coffee shop, working at Lakeridge High School, and the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, I really wasn’t sure what the right choice was. Each job had its pros and cons. As I prayed day by day, sitting in my car at the Costco parking lot, around 2 weeks into really considering FCA, I head “Stay.”

This was the same type of word as “Go” that I mentioned in a previous blog.

Ok. Stay. So. Stay where I am? Well… where am I? Instacart? Costco? Lakeridge? 

As I jumped to conclusions I reached out to FCA and told them I think God is telling me I need to stay with Instacart.

This was gut wrenching.

But I was on my holy ground. As I prayed to the Lord, choking back tears as I walked through Costco, I told him I trust him, even though “staying” is the last thing I want to do. In that prayer time God revealed why it felt so hard to let this go, and with it, my opportunity to finally leave this “breaking” season.

Shame.

As I shared earlier, God revealed how much shame I still carried and how much better the title of “full-time ministry” might make me look to others (but mostly to myself).

“If the only person’s opinion who mattered was mine what would you do, how would you live?” said the Lord.

I would stay. Trusting you will make all things right if I surrender to your will.

One spiritual discipline I’ve learned over the years is that when God gives you a word, you should still pray into that word, ask for clarity, ask if there is anything more he has to say about, etc. And so I did that for the following week. Through prayer and sharing this newly discovered shame with Christina and other family, it turned out that God did indeed have more to say.

You see I never wanted to pursue ministry. Ministry had pursued me. But, the only thing likely worse than going into ministry for a paycheck is probably vanity (and maybe authority?). And through this wrestling with “STAY” God revealed why it was so hard for me to say no to this opportunity….

However, that wasn’t the only thing he revealed. As I released that shame, and committed to trusting the Lord in his word, he opened my eyes to the real meaning.

Often when God gives me a word it’s usually about vocation or identity. Which is generally true in the Bible with the likes of David, Joseph, Abraham, etc. But in our American culture typically vocation IS identity. And God did indeed have a word for my identity. It turns out “Stay” was about my identity as a husband, in which he had finally found me ready to grow, change, “be faithful in the little things.”

He clarified that “Stay” was about this very place where I had finally committed to serve my wife as unto the Lord. And as he is clearly leading me to serve the Lake Oswego community, I need to “Stay” in the place of putting my wife first, my home and family first, as unto the Lord.

I saw an image of a compass. God had opened so many doors in Lake Oswego, and “Stay” was to guide me towards which door to choose.

“How can I love my wife the best? Which job enables me to keep her my first priority as unto the Lord?”

One of core values that was communicated in the very first conversation about the Fellowship of Christian Athletes was their commitment to every employee that spouses and family comes first before the ministry.

The choice was so clear.

And so I enter into this new season, with a new word, a new vocation, by remain in the steady leading of my King.